Disappointment

Also, I've noticed lately that whenever I talk about tentative wedding plans with friends, even just one or two friends, it's like I've jinxed myself and guaranteed that I'm not getting anything I really want for myself. 

Mister and I were really close to signing a contract with our venue vendor.  It was a really wonderful venue, a beautiful Spanish/Mediterranean-style venue with Michelin-star food.  It was one of my favorites of the sites we visited.  They were even very accommodating about giving us tons of discounts to try and make it work within our budget.  But at the end of the day, we realized that our overall costs were still going to be a lot more than we wanted to pay.  We had a pretty difficult conversation about it tonight, and in the end, we decided not to go with the vendor after all. 

I'm not going to lie: I was pretty heartbroken.  The relief of thinking that we finally had a venue and date down was wonderful, and to have to give up a venue that I could be so proud of made going back to square one even more daunting and anxiety-ridden.  I found myself vacillating between feeling heartbroken to "I don't care" mode a lot within the span of an hour.

At this point, I've resigned myself to the fact that the sort of wedding I would feel excited about planning is not really feasible given our limited budget and the standard wedding costs in the Bay Area.  (Actually, it would be plenty feasible if we were to elope, but too many important people would be upset at this point.)  The fact of the matter is that I don't enjoy large parties or being the center of attention like that.  To have to plan one makes me even more anxious because I'm already mildly sociophobic and I can't stand the thought of people judging something as personal as my wedding.  It would almost be easier to have our parents plan it however they want and to just show up.

So right now, I don't care about my own wedding plans.  Right now, it feels like we're just doing this wedding planning to make everyone else happy, and if there isn't a part of it that I can get excited about, it's like I own no part of it except for half the bill. 

Don't get me wrong: I'm very excited to be marrying the love of my life.  But this wedding planning and wedding event is really detracting from that experience for me, and I still wish we could just elope and just really focus on the part that matters most.

I feel guilty about not caring, too, like it's selfish to not want a wedding. 

So as a sort of compromise, we're going with our second-choice venue.  They're reasonably priced and are truly all-inclusive (invitations, DJ, food, coordinator, and hotel bookings if you want, etc.).  The way I see it, if I don't feel excited enough about it, I just don't want to bother planning it.  So we let them plan it instead.

On the other hand, I could probably get excited with creating our ceremony.  We'll see how that goes.  More updates on that later.

Mixed feelings

I haven't updated this blog in awhile, but as my subject line so succinctly puts it, a lot of complex emotions have been stirred since the mister and I got engaged.  We went from discussing elopement to doing a simple courthouse ceremony with a nice dinner (all immediate-family-only) to doing a casual beach wedding to doing a nicer wedding, etc.  Most of our friends have been generally supportive of whatever we decide to do, even if it's an elopement.  And I deeply appreciate that their support has been unconditional, even on whether they would be invited to a ceremony or reception, because they love and trust us enough to know that we will celebrate with all of them in due time and with the appropriate amount of fanfare.  Family has been trickier to navigate, and I anticipate that more complicated issues with family will arise later, but for now, it's manageable.

Wedding planning stress also noticeably spikes when I'm PMSing.  We've agreed to not make any major decisions while I'm in PMS.  I think this is very wise.

We are also struggling with how to set our budget.  The mister and I are not really broke and can afford a nicer wedding, but paying more for a nicer wedding means having to save more/longer for our first home.  Really, the main thing is that we want to get married, and everything else about the wedding day (dress, flowers, guests, etc.) we don't really need or can do without.

But our parents would be the most disappointed about us not having a wedding ceremony and reception, and so we decided to at least make an effort to plan an event on our terms.

So far, this is what happened:

• We started a guest list and narrowed the main list down to about 140 people, which includes immediate families, extended families (only as far as first cousins), and our closest friends with a select number of plus ones.  Our plus-ones rule: If they're married or engaged, their spouse or spouse-to-be gets an automatic invite.  If they're not married/engaged, we should know them and/or like them well enough to feel that they would contribute to a happy wedding atmosphere.  We also have a secondary guest list prepared.
• We've settled on doing a Sunday ceremony with a lunch reception.  The benefits are awesome.  More dates are available than for Saturday weddings.  A lot of places give additional discounts for doing Sunday weddings, and the decline rate for out of town guests could be slightly higher, meaning we can save more money from a smaller guest count or add people from our secondary guest list.
• Our friend M has a photojournalist friend who offered to photograph our wedding for free!  I expect we'll cover the material costs and wedding food, and we'll probably still give her something for her trouble, but this would help our budget a lot!
• My mother's dream has been to make my wedding dress someday.  Add the fact that my sister is a budding fashion designer from FIDM, and I've got my dress team!  This will also enormously help our budget.
• We visited a few venues in Monterey/Carmel, one in Fremont, and one in Burlingame so far, and most of them have been great about giving us cost proposal estimates for comparison.  Our favorite places are the most expensive, of course, and though I have a definite favorite, we are continuing our search.
• Expanding on the venue that is my absolute favorite so far: the place is so nice and comes with just enough that centerpieces would be the only decoration we need. 
• Traditions we are intending not to include: bridal party (we just want all our friends to enjoy themselves on the day of as guests), engagement party, bouquet/garter toss, church ceremony (I have not yet told my parents about this yet).
• The expense of wedding cake is pretty hefty.  And of the weddings I've been to so far, cake in general is good, but not great.  We are considering cake alternatives, such as pie, or a small dessert buffet.
• By popular demand, we will keep the bachelor and bachelorette parties.  And whoever wants to plan them can plan them.
• We are thinking of asking a special friend to be an officiant for us. :)
• I'm finding myself more and more interested in planning the ceremony and have found a number of readings that I can't wait to test out and possibly integrate in the ceremony.  Maybe my baby sister Jenny would do a reading for us from a children's book.

Success!

We're engaged! :)

The Most Important Things

I've been thinking a lot about wedding budgets lately.  I've been serious enough to attempt to fill out a budget sheet with various numbers just so I could get an idea of how much to save and for how long.  Eventually, when we get this planning thing started for real, it'll be useful to get realistic estimates.  But for now, the numbers aren't looking fun yet.  To help with this, I'm going to break down the most important things and the least important things for me.

Top 3 things I'd spend my wedding money on (no particular order):

• Day-of wedding photography
• Food (catering mostly... my cake priorities are not as high)
• A great DJ/emcee

Standard wedding costs I'm happy to nix completely:

• Videography
• Engagement photos
• Flowers
• Engagement party (added 9/8/11)

I know my only 2 readers might will think I'm crazy for wanting to nix those first three things, but they're really not that important to me.  The flowers are probably unavoidable, but I've never been much into florals and am open to alternatives (e.g. fans for the bridesmaids, non-floral arrangements, feather boutonnieres).

I'm also considering hiring a wedding planner--not just a day-of coordinator.  The mister and I are capable of planning really tiny events, but when it gets to be, for example, 15+ people (ahem, birthday events), we stress out.  Neither of us like to haggle prices, either, so negotiating contracts seems daunting.  We'd want to enjoy our wedding day, and putting the coordination responsibilities on our friends and family is only going to keep them from enjoying the day, too.  And they say that the planners end up paying for themselves in the cost savings they can get you--if we're going to spend x amount anyway, I say we get a little extra peace of mind with that.

All in all, the most important thing to me is that everyone (guests, wedding party, groom and me!) all have a great time on our day.  I don't think that would be best served with the nicest invitations, the prettiest wedding video, or grand floral decorations.  So I'm going to put my money in where I think people will enjoy it the most: delicious food, a fun DJ/emcee to keep the night going, and great wedding photos for guests to relive the moment a little longer. :)  But I still want a reasonably nice environment for all of this to happen... on a budget.  Crossing my fingers for the planner of my dreams.