Disappointment

Also, I've noticed lately that whenever I talk about tentative wedding plans with friends, even just one or two friends, it's like I've jinxed myself and guaranteed that I'm not getting anything I really want for myself. 

Mister and I were really close to signing a contract with our venue vendor.  It was a really wonderful venue, a beautiful Spanish/Mediterranean-style venue with Michelin-star food.  It was one of my favorites of the sites we visited.  They were even very accommodating about giving us tons of discounts to try and make it work within our budget.  But at the end of the day, we realized that our overall costs were still going to be a lot more than we wanted to pay.  We had a pretty difficult conversation about it tonight, and in the end, we decided not to go with the vendor after all. 

I'm not going to lie: I was pretty heartbroken.  The relief of thinking that we finally had a venue and date down was wonderful, and to have to give up a venue that I could be so proud of made going back to square one even more daunting and anxiety-ridden.  I found myself vacillating between feeling heartbroken to "I don't care" mode a lot within the span of an hour.

At this point, I've resigned myself to the fact that the sort of wedding I would feel excited about planning is not really feasible given our limited budget and the standard wedding costs in the Bay Area.  (Actually, it would be plenty feasible if we were to elope, but too many important people would be upset at this point.)  The fact of the matter is that I don't enjoy large parties or being the center of attention like that.  To have to plan one makes me even more anxious because I'm already mildly sociophobic and I can't stand the thought of people judging something as personal as my wedding.  It would almost be easier to have our parents plan it however they want and to just show up.

So right now, I don't care about my own wedding plans.  Right now, it feels like we're just doing this wedding planning to make everyone else happy, and if there isn't a part of it that I can get excited about, it's like I own no part of it except for half the bill. 

Don't get me wrong: I'm very excited to be marrying the love of my life.  But this wedding planning and wedding event is really detracting from that experience for me, and I still wish we could just elope and just really focus on the part that matters most.

I feel guilty about not caring, too, like it's selfish to not want a wedding. 

So as a sort of compromise, we're going with our second-choice venue.  They're reasonably priced and are truly all-inclusive (invitations, DJ, food, coordinator, and hotel bookings if you want, etc.).  The way I see it, if I don't feel excited enough about it, I just don't want to bother planning it.  So we let them plan it instead.

On the other hand, I could probably get excited with creating our ceremony.  We'll see how that goes.  More updates on that later.